This night is another sleepless one. No known cause, maybe during this term break I'm too used to sleeping late. Okay but for the hour I spent rolling on my bed I only thought of one person and of course I'm not going to spell it out.
I swear I had this post in mind, while I was still rolling around on the bed, before the very awakening, real, expressive, straightforward post of yours which had some bit of your assumptions in it as well, actually. Hm maybe you can fault me for not putting my words clearly.
Just to make things clear and to reinforce my point, I don't hate you. I have never, neither would I in the future. I don't hate you for whatever you have decided to do, whatever you have said. Ironic that this is coming from me, but I'm not giving an excuse trying to save my ass here.
Alright though whatever that has happened in the past month was nothing that I desired of, I acknowledge the part I play to give this result. It is regrettable to know what a big letdown I have been, and despite that doing nothing thereafter. You're right again I have never tried to put myself in your shoes. Indeed I had no idea what was the extent of disappointment you were facing. Definitely more than me that's for sure. I always carried the hope that you would do a reconsideration. Until just yesterday when I thought over what you have said, looked at you among all of the people. I know I'm never going to make you happy, it will not be enough anyway. When I look at you with them our friends you are definitely more happy and more yourself. And from there, from every other time when I look at you with others, you are more of yourself at times like this. Comparing when you are next to me, really no, what you said is again right I guess you feel really restricted. I'm not a stalker or freak okay but observing you the last two days of last year I see that you are for sure, happier with friends doing what you like saying what you want to. When I see how you avoid, I know there's no further possibility. I don't want to do this, but being there watching and only being able to watch it's not easy it's painful. So I think I'm letting go. I guess all that I remind you about is the disappointment and you probably wouldn't want anything to do with me already. And since you're more contented with freedom being carefree being accountable to only yourself, all the more I see less hope. I don't want to let go honestly but it's a tough fact to know that all I can do is to look on. And know that there's vaguely any hope in this. It will be hard, it will be. But I will convince myself it is no longer possible. Likewise this wasn’t an easy decision to make. But if you need me, if you need a listening ear or anything sure I'm open I'll be here, that's only if you don't mind. I still love you that's what makes it harder. But in any case, you are definitely the most special person to me the best thing to happen for the past year until a time I know not when. Till now I haven’t a reason why it is you, it just is.
Okay so coming to your post I'm not having a rebuttal but what exactly do you think I am assuming? Why would you think I hate you, or something about you? I do not. And yes through this, it has taught me some bit really. Help me grow. Maybe would help me be a more considerate person. Well it has done some bit of change to me since the start already anyway.
And indeed I did take what you said as excuses. But since you have said those are words from the heart, I’ll take that as it is. Sorry to have doubted you, your words. I know apologising means nothing to you. But it does to me. Thanks for being honest with me. Although this whole thing would be better done on a personal note, like another piece of paper but you're probably fuming you might tear it up so here it is.
I do love, but yeah that's not going to be enough.
Stay happy, Sharon.
4:28 AM Saturday, January 2, 2010
This night is another sleepless one. No known cause, maybe during this term break I'm too used to sleeping late. Okay but for the hour I spent rolling on my bed I only thought of one person and of course I'm not going to spell it out.
I swear I had this post in mind, while I was still rolling around on the bed, before the very awakening, real, expressive, straightforward post of yours which had some bit of your assumptions in it as well, actually. Hm maybe you can fault me for not putting my words clearly.
Just to make things clear and to reinforce my point, I don't hate you. I have never, neither would I in the future. I don't hate you for whatever you have decided to do, whatever you have said. Ironic that this is coming from me, but I'm not giving an excuse trying to save my ass here.
Alright though whatever that has happened in the past month was nothing that I desired of, I acknowledge the part I play to give this result. It is regrettable to know what a big letdown I have been, and despite that doing nothing thereafter. You're right again I have never tried to put myself in your shoes. Indeed I had no idea what was the extent of disappointment you were facing. Definitely more than me that's for sure. I always carried the hope that you would do a reconsideration. Until just yesterday when I thought over what you have said, looked at you among all of the people. I know I'm never going to make you happy, it will not be enough anyway. When I look at you with them our friends you are definitely more happy and more yourself. And from there, from every other time when I look at you with others, you are more of yourself at times like this. Comparing when you are next to me, really no, what you said is again right I guess you feel really restricted. I'm not a stalker or freak okay but observing you the last two days of last year I see that you are for sure, happier with friends doing what you like saying what you want to. When I see how you avoid, I know there's no further possibility. I don't want to do this, but being there watching and only being able to watch it's not easy it's painful. So I think I'm letting go. I guess all that I remind you about is the disappointment and you probably wouldn't want anything to do with me already. And since you're more contented with freedom being carefree being accountable to only yourself, all the more I see less hope. I don't want to let go honestly but it's a tough fact to know that all I can do is to look on. And know that there's vaguely any hope in this. It will be hard, it will be. But I will convince myself it is no longer possible. Likewise this wasn’t an easy decision to make. But if you need me, if you need a listening ear or anything sure I'm open I'll be here, that's only if you don't mind. I still love you that's what makes it harder. But in any case, you are definitely the most special person to me the best thing to happen for the past year until a time I know not when. Till now I haven’t a reason why it is you, it just is.
Okay so coming to your post I'm not having a rebuttal but what exactly do you think I am assuming? Why would you think I hate you, or something about you? I do not. And yes through this, it has taught me some bit really. Help me grow. Maybe would help me be a more considerate person. Well it has done some bit of change to me since the start already anyway.
And indeed I did take what you said as excuses. But since you have said those are words from the heart, I’ll take that as it is. Sorry to have doubted you, your words. I know apologising means nothing to you. But it does to me. Thanks for being honest with me. Although this whole thing would be better done on a personal note, like another piece of paper but you're probably fuming you might tear it up so here it is.
I do love, but yeah that's not going to be enough.
Stay happy, Sharon.
4:28 AM //